Yesterday I overheard a conversation that was half disturbing and half weird by two guys at work.  One of the guys I really hate.  He’s the only man that I have considered bringing up on sexual harassment charges so far.  I won’t go into the details of why necessarily, but it had something to do with a lot of inappropriate language and saying disgusting things about women to me.  The guy I hate has a very horrible moustache that always looks shaved and grown in at the same time- i’m sure that has a name, and it really freaks me out to look at no matter what it’s called.  

Before I hated him I asked him if the neighborhood he lived in New Jersey was a safe one and he responded “yeah it’s totally safe.  I mean, there’s puerto ricans, but It’s safe.”  Not quite sure what code I was getting towards the end there, but I’m sure it felt good for him to get out there.

Anyway, so i’m working next to moustache man and he is in the middle of a conversation with a plumber on the jobsite, who i’ve talked to a few times and who tries to come across as some “really nice down to earth guy” which I don’t buy for two seconds cuz I have learned many times before that it’s only a matter of time before guys like this either hit on me or tell me how they would kill their wife if she left them. 

Well, the time had come.  This is what I overhear:

moustache: so what beach do you like to go to?                                                              

plumber: it depends. depends if I got the family with me or not.                              

moustache: oh yeah i hear ya (what? you hear what)                                                        

plumber:  if i got the family with me, i go to the nice beach.  but if i’m with the boys then i go to the other beach.  you know.                                                          

moustache: bwah ha ha oh yeah those are the best (lie this makes no sense) and it ends up being cheaper right? I know what you mean.                                                

plumber: yeah.  I love the hoochie beach.  where the hoochies at.  a little touchey feely here and there. you know. ha ha ha                                    

OK so are any of you guys like noticing that we are listening to a conversation between two people who are either 8 years old and lying, or a conversation between two people who are both acting like they know what the other is talking about, but are actually lying.  Like we’re hearing them discuss what unicorn blood tastes like, or how they hate the smell of god’s breath.  These men lie all day long, and they lie just to sound cool to each other.  To me, they just sound like they have a lying problem.  

I mean the truth is, these guys are in their 40’s, moustache man walks like he’s been riding a horse for 10 years straight.  naked.  He laughs uncontrollably at everything he says, and like 4 different people are suing him at the moment, including his ex wife.  The plumber is married with kids, works more than full time, and I highly doubt gets to spend long hours at the infamous ‘hoochie beach’ where women are just tirelessly waiting in direct sunlight for disgusting married construction workers to come and touchey feely them for cheap.  Can you hear me?  When it’s all strung together it becomes painfully obvious that hoochie beach is a place they want to exist.  They wish it existed and they wish they lived near it.  This is called wishery.

The conversations I hear men having so often, especially at work because that’s the only time i’m really forced to be around them, are totally performative.  I don’t know if they’re doing their linguistic tap dancing for my sake, or for each others, or both-but it’s so embarassing to watch.  I once said to this super homophobic guy in my union “I feel bad for you guys.  You have no idea who you are.  All you do is tell yourself and other men what they can’t do, what they can’t wear, how they can’t act, and how they can’t feel.  All your left with is not knowing anything about yourself.”

Surprisingly, he simply answered with “I know.”